A good friend of ours died from brain cancer this week. Losing people we love too soon is never easy, but this was especially hard.
Bill putting a garden window into Darcie's room
Bill wanted to live to see his grandkids grow. He fought so hard. He had such a positive spirit. When the MRI was clear this fall, the doctors told him he was one for the record books.
Then the next appointment they gave him until April. It was like being on a roller coaster, up and down, euphoria and depression.
I love aerobatics but I hate roller coasters.
Maybe I’m just angry because it shows, once again, how little control we have over anything. Maybe I’m sad because life just isn’t fair, and once again, this proves it. I don’t know. My mom has lost three husbands, so I’m no stranger to death. Bill’s wife has now lost two husbands. That’s part of my frustration – it is so hard on the ones left behind.
One of my girlfriends just doesn’t understand how a loving God could let this happen. I think it is so much more complicated than we can understand at our level. God is Love and “HE” isn’t up there on a throne whacking and hurting some people while finding parking places for others.
Pacing and kicking things in my yard the day Bill died, I thought about all these things. I also thought about possessions and stuff. Bill wanted to take the blanket my niece (his granddaughter) made him for Christmas when he died. So it went with him to the funeral home. (I started crying when I found this out….)
Delaney, my niece. She made a U of O blanket for Bill for Christmas. That was Bill's only big flaw: he loved the Ducks. 
My daughter thinks “things” are too important to me. The truth is, I like my house and my stuff – and all the memories that go with it. But I don’t need them. And I do appreciate the thought and effort that went into some of my possessions that people made or gave me. They represent and remind me of their love for me.
Maybe some people hang on so tightly to too many things because it makes them feel more “in the world” – more tied to it. Safer.
I’m not afraid of death. I came so close a few years back…but I’m still here. Why? Unfinished business? Luck of the draw? All I know is that the fear left me.
But given the choice, no matter how wonderful the afterlife is, I want to stay on earth longer.
When Bill moved to the county years ago, we hired him every time we saved enough money for another project.
Bill built our deck, put in new windows and doors, added walls to our dirt basement, a mudroom, a fireplace, two bathrooms and a bookcase. We loved having him here, and kept him from working by talking with him constantly.
Bill was just one of those people who could carry on a good conversation about anything. You wanted him in your house and your life.
We painted the basement once Bill was done!
We put a futon down in the basement and actually slept down there once. I swear I could feel the bugs crawling all over me all night.
The kittens liked the new deck!
My new bay window lets in so much light!
The only good thing out of all this is that, wherever we look, we can remember Bill every day.
Even this photo of my kids was taken in front of the fireplace Bill installed.
Brain and pancreatic cancers are horrible ways to die. But I believe it’s even worse for the loved ones involved in their care.
My grandpa went up to take a nap and died in his sleep. That’s the way to go, I think.
All I know for sure is that Bill will be missed…and remembered.
Grandaddy died in his sleep. That's the way to go.
I wrote this poem when I was so sick. I believed it then, and I still do, but sometimes it doesn’t help:
CASTLES
I BUILD A CASTLE WITH MY HANDS…
MOLDING SHIMMERING, SHIFTING SANDS.
IN MY MIND I CLEARLY SEE
WHAT THIS CREATION MEANS TO ME.
TO TOUCH. TO FEEL. TO SEE.
MY LIFE IS A CASTLE IN MY HAND…
BUILT OF COUNTLESS GRAINS OF SAND.
CAREFULLY, PATIENTLY FORMED BY ME,
INTO A PERSON I ‘M PROUD TO BE.
I LIVE. I LOVE. I SEE.
LIKE THE CASTLE IN THIS RHYME…
A WAVE COULD TAKE ME ANYTIME.
AM I FINISHED, READY TO GO?
HERE IS A SECRET THAT I KNOW.
AT ANY TIME, MY CASTLE IS COMPLETE…
FINISHED, SPRAWLING AT MY FEET.
UNTIL IT IS GONE, I ADD TO IT:
A SHELL, A FEATHER, ANOTHER TURRET.
THIS IS MY LIFE, SHINING IN THE SUN…
AN INCOMPLETE PROJECT, ONCE BEGUN.
WHETHER I DIE NOW OR AT ONE HUNDRED AND THREE
I AM EVERYTHING I WAS MEANT TO BE.
LIFE IS A TREASURE IN MY HANDS.
TIME IS THE WAVE THAT WASHES MY SANDS.
I love life.
